Group Project!! YUCK!

I seriously DO NOT know anyone who thinks that working in groups is fabulous, except for the ones who don’t work at all (and even they crib about how badly organized everything is anyway.) So having been through one semester of my management degree, I’ve made my list of the kinds of people in a group. While this list is far from being exhaustive, it is uncanny how often you come across these broad categories of individuals purely put here upon this earth to make teamwork hell.

The Scenario:

The report is due in ten minutes and the group suddenly realizes that they need to add in an appendix for definition of terms…

Mr. Natural Born Leader: (walks about thinking he’s God’s gift to teams) Hey! People, we gotta complete this stuff immediately! A – go and get me some tea. B – switch on the laptop. C – sit here and look pretty. D – find someone who can do this and bring him to me so that I can order him to do it. Everyone else get out of my sight. (Sits around marveling at his managerial prowess and wonders if C was impressed enough.)

Ms. Whiner: (face set in an expression of extreme disgust) Damn! Now what? How are we EVER gonna get this done? There’s just not enough time… how are we supposed to work under these conditions? Why can’t things just be normal and run smoothly? I don’t see any other group having this problem – why should ours always be in this mess? More importantly, why should I always be in the worst group? (continues to express the disgust even more overtly.)

Mr. Slacker: (appears in time for submission and when he realizes that there’s still work to be done, looks thoroughly at sea and says) Ohhh…. Well, who’s gonna do this… I don’t think I can handle it right now… anyway, I don’t really know what’s in the report because my pancreas was secreting too much bile and stuff and I was in the loo the whole month, so… well… someone’s gotta do this man! (disappears tactfully into thin air and is non-reachable for the next twenty five.)

Mr. Blamer: (walks around with his hands in his pockets) WHO is responsible for this? Who typed out this report? Wasn’t it Mr. W? So it’s his fault. Also, why wasn’t Mr. S around? Where’s Mr. N anyway? Surely I would have found out about this if it wasn’t for the aurora borealis and its confounding powers. And why is my tea cold??

Ms. Outsourcer: (ats her eyelashes to great effect) Hiiii guys, how’s it going? Well… I know I said I’d do this but … well, I’ve got this cut just above my… well, you know… and it hurts soooo bad… and I think I can show you where it hurts… but the point is… I don’t know if I can type all this out… will you do this for me? Will you pleeeeease complete this report – I know you did it for me the last time too… but I promise I’ll make it up to you…

Mr. Fault Finder: (hangs around over everyone’s shoulders and has the remarkable ability to locate a person struggling against time to complete something and peer into the computer from miles away and make the most ridiculous suggestions like) Hey, shouldn’t you put that in caps? Also, can’t you use a better font, because I don’t think the professor is going to like this much. And while you’re at it, change the text colour too… black is waaaaaaaay too boring - I mean the whole report is in black anyway, why don’t we have the appendix in overripe banana yellow or turquoisy purply brown?

And of course…

Mr. Team: (he’s equivalent to the entire team because he’s the one who typed out the whole report, realized the mistake and corrected it himself.) Ok guys, it’s all done – so you want me to put in your names at the end of this thing or what?

OF COURSE this is you – Isn’t this always you? Aren’t you tired of being the one to do all the work? Aren’t you amazed at your efficiency and your ability to put up with all the idiots in the world?

How do I know this is you? You’re reading my blog, right?